If you’re not interested in a personal post, you might want
to skip this one. If you’re only here to check up on the progress of my writing
or things of that nature, you might just want to skim it. If, on the other
hand, you’re actually interested in me as a person and not a writing machine,
stick around. You just might learn something.
As I write this, it’s my forty-second birthday. My age and
the answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything are
now the same (kudos if you caught that reference). I’ve already talked about how my life
changed over the last year in regards to writing, so I’m not going to rehash
that. What I AM going to do is talk about some of the other massive changes my
life has undergone, and most of them in the last month.
Some of you may know or have picked up on the fact that I
quit my day job earlier this month. I wish this was because I was earning
enough from writing to support myself, but that’s not the case. Actually, the
reasons are more important than that.
I’m one of those people who won’t go see a doctor unless I’m
at death’s door. I don’t know why, that’s just how I’ve always been since I got
old enough to make the decision for myself. Well, shortly after the New Year, I
broke down and went to get checked out. I was diagnosed with high blood
pressure several years ago, but like an idiot, I stopped taking my medication
for it. Things became stressful at the day job, with people showing up to work
when they wanted to and things of that nature, which only made my health issues
worse. To cope, I was self-medicating to some degree, up from the normal couple
of beers or so I’d drink while writing to killing a fifth of scotch or bourbon
in a couple of days. I was smoking like a chimney, and generally doing
everything I could to kill the stress I was feeling. The problem was, I was
killing myself, too. My heart had started beating so hard it was nearly coming
out of my chest, and to say I felt miserable would be an understatement.
So, afraid I was going to have a stroke or a heart attack
literally at any moment, I broke down and went to see the doctor. Ever hear the
old adage your life changes in an instant? I understand that now.
Let me get this out of the way right up front: I’m not
dying. Well, no more than any of us are, at least. That doesn’t mean I don’t
have things to deal with, though.
They took my blood pressure five times over the course of
that two-hour visit. The average reading was around 140 over 110. In case you
don’t know, that’s the danger zone, folks. I was informed that had I not come
in, I would have most likely had that heart attack or stroke within a week’s
time. They did an EKG right then and there, and didn’t like what they saw. I
was put on some heavy-duty medication and told to come back in a week. They
also scheduled me to have an ultrasound on my heart, which I did. The end
result was that my left ventricular and aortic chambers were enlarged, and I
have a slight murmur. I was, in effect, killing myself, and being quite
successful at it.
I did some serious soul-searching that night after I got
home and filled my wife in on my stupidity to that point. I realized quite clearly
that if I didn’t make some serious changes in my life, I wouldn’t have a life
to change for very much longer. Change number one: the drinking went from
borderline alcoholic back to reasonable again, FAST. A beer or two a day? Fine.
A normal-sized Scotch or bourbon every now and again? Still okay. My wife even
told me I am allowed to have a glass of red wine every day, should I so choose
(since red wine’s good for the heart; what a kick that I only liked blushes and
whites, isn’t it?). Going to bed half-drunk (if not fully drunk) every night?
Over. Done. Not happening.
Change number two: the smoking. I haven’t quit, but I’ve cut
back. I’m evaluating options for how best to quit altogether, and will be
putting those into action within the next week or so.
And change number three: quit the stress-factory that my day
job had become.
For those of you who worked with me or just wondered why I’d
done that, there’s the reason. A bit more complicated, but that’s it in a
nutshell.
Now, maybe it seems insane to leave a job I’d held for nearly
seven years, and that not only paid my bills but kept me insured. Why lose my
health insurance during a point in time where I obviously need it the most?
Well, my stress levels dropped almost immediately, that’s why. I’d rather fret
over trying to figure out how to pay bills and medical expenses than keep
making reasons to need that stress in the first place. Money stress is one of
those normal, everyday things we all deal with. The rest of it wasn’t. And
without the rest of it, the money stress doesn’t seem nearly as bad anymore.
There’s been good stuff, too. Most of it after I started
trying to get myself back on track, funny enough. Less than a week after
leaving the old job, I had a new one. That has proven to be a stepping stone to
another job, that will have a more stable income, and benefits down the line,
if not immediately. I had a wonderful response to a story I submitted to an
anthology (that I can’t talk about at the moment), and while I didn’t make the
preliminary ballot, I did end up on
the reading list for the Stokers—off a self-published debut novel I didn’t
expect to do anything at all. I’ve actually felt closer to my family, and have
learned to appreciate my life more. Maybe it was a horrible way to get there,
but emotionally and physically, I feel better than I have in a very, very long
time.
So why make this post? Let me be clear about one thing: I am
NOT looking for sympathy. I did this to myself, so it would be pretty foolish
to expect anyone to feel sorry for my stupid decisions. If you want to pray for
me, or send me good vibes, by all means do so. I’ll take all of both I can get.
But don’t feel bad for me. I made my mistakes, caught them, and am trying to
correct them. That’s just life.
No, I’m making this post so maybe it can serve as a warning
or a help for others. I am living proof that you shouldn’t muck around with
your health. If something’s wrong, get checked out. If your job is killing you,
find something else. Life is too freaking short to subject yourself to a slow
suicide. There will never be a point
where you are completely worry-free, so don’t even try for that. Just try to
make those worries as small or compacted as you can. Find something to make you
smile and hold onto it for all you’re worth. Simply put: don’t just exist in
life, actually LIVE it!
Okay, I’ll step down off the soapbox now and wrap this up. I
think, ultimately, I made this post because I needed to point some things out
to myself, to take stock in a public way so there’s no chance of me lying to
myself down the line. I did it to clear the air and dispel some rumors that
flared up at the old day job after I left. And I did it because, well, I’m
damned proud of the changes I’ve made in the last couple of weeks. I wish I
hadn’t been forced into making them, that I’d simply come to them naturally,
but things happen as they’re supposed to. All I can do now is capitalize on
that.
Thanks for sticking around through this, and I’ll
talk to you all again soon!
