Milestones

Okay, it's a little early to celebrate, but I'm going to anyway.

If you've been following along on here, you know I've been struggling with writing thanks to my depression lately. To be completely frank about it, I haven't been able to finish anything novel-length since at least March of last year.

It's looking like that's about to change.

I've referenced HELLFIRE on my progress bar over there, and mentioned it several times on Facebook and Twitter. I started it as my first long-form project since my diagnosis, and now, finally, I can see the end to it in sight. I've already figured out the last three chapters (if I can pull it off in the writing, they should be quite mind-blowing), and am firmly in the third act. I see the end in sight, in other words. I'm feeling that old excitement coming back, and hopefully, that will be enough to see me through.

Two more chapters done the night I write and post this, only a handful left before the climax I set up in the fist. I finally feel that same passion I did when I first started this with an eye toward doing it professionally again. I have to say: that's a glorious feeling.

My life's not where I want it to be; far from it. But at least this one aspect is finally back on track.

And that's cause for celebration!

Scares That Care V: Healing By Helping

For a horror author, at least one with a similar mindset to my own, there is one event every year that eclipses all others. That event is the Scares That Care Charity Weekend, held for the fifth consecutive year at the Doubletree by Hilton in Williamsburg, VA from August 3-5. Like last year, I went, and since I'm somewhat recovered from it--enough that I can think coherently, at any rate--I figured it was time to recount my experience there, and also to reveal the reasons behind my radio silence for the last few months, and how attending this horror family reunion helped me finish crawling out of a pretty dark place. To make everyone's life easier, I'll save the really personal stuff for the end, so you can skip it if you so choose to.

This was my second time attending Scares That Care, but that didn't mean it felt any less exciting or fun than the first time. Sure, maybe I had more of an idea what to expect this go-around, but that only enhanced my anticipation leading into it. My friend, Joe, who went with me last year, was unable to do so again, but I managed to convince my wife to come along, so I had the added excitement of introducing someone new to the wonderful event that is that convention weekend.

Real Ghosts from the Past: The Story Behind THE JOURNAL OF JEREMY TODD

Every story starts somewhere. For CONSEQUENCES, it was a local legend from my high school days. For THE JOURNAL OF JEREMY TODD, it starts more recently, but it does dig into things that happened as far back as middle school for me, and also digs into things that keep themselves hidden in the dark recesses of my mind, only coming out on occasion when I’m feeling especially vulnerable. Writing the story helped me to deal with those to some degree, and hopefully writing this “story behind the story” post will help me finish exorcising them. Will it get rid of them? No, they’ve been there too long, and have become a part of who I am. But hopefully they’ll lose what little remains of their sting, and that’s more important, anyway.

Since JEREMY TODD has only been out for a couple of weeks now, I’ll try to keep this as spoiler-free as possible for those who haven’t managed to get very far into it.

One of the themes in JEREMY TODD is bullying, and how victims of bullying deal with it as they get older. This is the first and only time I’ve ever gone into a story with even that much of a theme in mind. Usually, I just have the story idea and then I write it. I might find something during edits, some subconscious thing that crept into the story somewhere along the way, but it’s never a conscious decision. This time, it was. Everyone has their hot-button topic, the thing that sets their blood to boiling until the rage is nearly strong enough to consume them. For me, that topic is bullying.

And Breathe...

I'm finally doing it. I promised it before, and ended up going back on it time and time again, but this time I'm actually going to follow through: I'm taking a break.

I've discovered as I've worked my way through OBSESSED (formerly CLUTTER) that the words have been coming harder and harder. Where I was finishing a chapter a night, now I'm doing good to finish a chapter in three or four days. The story's there, it's just not coming as easily as it once did. At first I thought it was because of some of the things I was trying to do with this one, but then it occurred to me that it was more because I was creatively exhausting myself. So, to try and reverse that course, I'm going to take a break.

As it stands right now, I've got about three or four chapters left to go with OBSESSED. I'm going to finish those up so the story is out of me like some terrible childbirth, and then I'm going to shift my focus to other things until sometime after Scares That Care in July. I've got ideas and things on the bench, but I"m going to hold off starting them for now. One, the third book in the Time of Ashes Cycle, has a long planning period before I can even think about digging into it, as well as a third and second draft respectively on the first two books in that series. I've also got what may turn out to be a modern-day fairy tale rattling around in my head, and while I'm excited to start on it, I know I'm not where I need to be to write it just yet.

Instead of new stuff, then, I'll be working on revisions for the literal mountain of manuscripts I've accumulated over the last couple of years. I really want to get my post-apocalyptic tale cleaned up and submitted (got a couple of targets in mind), I need to finish getting the Cochran books squared away, and then I've got the stand-alone stuff to fine-tune as well. Somewhere in that I'd like to play with some of the less broad tales floating around in my imagination, and maybe send some of those into the wild (anthologies? Patreon? newsletter? all or none of the above?). I also need to get back to focusing on the business end of this somewhat, too, since I've got THE JOURNAL OF JEREMY TODD launching right before Scares, and MUDCAT in the pipeline for edits and publication soon, too. I want both of these to do well, so that means I need to pay attention.

So, a breath. A break. And then back to the insanity once my gray matter recharges. Of course, knowing myself as I do, I'll probably get too restless to actually relax and will be right back into the thick of it before I know it.

Much Can Change in a Month...

If you’re not interested in a personal post, you might want to skip this one. If you’re only here to check up on the progress of my writing or things of that nature, you might just want to skim it. If, on the other hand, you’re actually interested in me as a person and not a writing machine, stick around. You just might learn something.

As I write this, it’s my forty-second birthday. My age and the answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything are now the same (kudos if you caught that reference). I’ve already talked about how my life changed over the last year in regards to writing, so I’m not going to rehash that. What I AM going to do is talk about some of the other massive changes my life has undergone, and most of them in the last month.

Some of you may know or have picked up on the fact that I quit my day job earlier this month. I wish this was because I was earning enough from writing to support myself, but that’s not the case. Actually, the reasons are more important than that.

I’m one of those people who won’t go see a doctor unless I’m at death’s door. I don’t know why, that’s just how I’ve always been since I got old enough to make the decision for myself. Well, shortly after the New Year, I broke down and went to get checked out. I was diagnosed with high blood pressure several years ago, but like an idiot, I stopped taking my medication for it. Things became stressful at the day job, with people showing up to work when they wanted to and things of that nature, which only made my health issues worse. To cope, I was self-medicating to some degree, up from the normal couple of beers or so I’d drink while writing to killing a fifth of scotch or bourbon in a couple of days. I was smoking like a chimney, and generally doing everything I could to kill the stress I was feeling. The problem was, I was killing myself, too. My heart had started beating so hard it was nearly coming out of my chest, and to say I felt miserable would be an understatement.

So, afraid I was going to have a stroke or a heart attack literally at any moment, I broke down and went to see the doctor. Ever hear the old adage your life changes in an instant? I understand that now.

Let me get this out of the way right up front: I’m not dying. Well, no more than any of us are, at least. That doesn’t mean I don’t have things to deal with, though.

They took my blood pressure five times over the course of that two-hour visit. The average reading was around 140 over 110. In case you don’t know, that’s the danger zone, folks. I was informed that had I not come in, I would have most likely had that heart attack or stroke within a week’s time. They did an EKG right then and there, and didn’t like what they saw. I was put on some heavy-duty medication and told to come back in a week. They also scheduled me to have an ultrasound on my heart, which I did. The end result was that my left ventricular and aortic chambers were enlarged, and I have a slight murmur. I was, in effect, killing myself, and being quite successful at it.

I did some serious soul-searching that night after I got home and filled my wife in on my stupidity to that point. I realized quite clearly that if I didn’t make some serious changes in my life, I wouldn’t have a life to change for very much longer. Change number one: the drinking went from borderline alcoholic back to reasonable again, FAST. A beer or two a day? Fine. A normal-sized Scotch or bourbon every now and again? Still okay. My wife even told me I am allowed to have a glass of red wine every day, should I so choose (since red wine’s good for the heart; what a kick that I only liked blushes and whites, isn’t it?). Going to bed half-drunk (if not fully drunk) every night? Over. Done. Not happening.

Change number two: the smoking. I haven’t quit, but I’ve cut back. I’m evaluating options for how best to quit altogether, and will be putting those into action within the next week or so.

And change number three: quit the stress-factory that my day job had become.

For those of you who worked with me or just wondered why I’d done that, there’s the reason. A bit more complicated, but that’s it in a nutshell.

Now, maybe it seems insane to leave a job I’d held for nearly seven years, and that not only paid my bills but kept me insured. Why lose my health insurance during a point in time where I obviously need it the most? Well, my stress levels dropped almost immediately, that’s why. I’d rather fret over trying to figure out how to pay bills and medical expenses than keep making reasons to need that stress in the first place. Money stress is one of those normal, everyday things we all deal with. The rest of it wasn’t. And without the rest of it, the money stress doesn’t seem nearly as bad anymore.

There’s been good stuff, too. Most of it after I started trying to get myself back on track, funny enough. Less than a week after leaving the old job, I had a new one. That has proven to be a stepping stone to another job, that will have a more stable income, and benefits down the line, if not immediately. I had a wonderful response to a story I submitted to an anthology (that I can’t talk about at the moment), and while I didn’t make the preliminary ballot, I did end up on the reading list for the Stokers—off a self-published debut novel I didn’t expect to do anything at all. I’ve actually felt closer to my family, and have learned to appreciate my life more. Maybe it was a horrible way to get there, but emotionally and physically, I feel better than I have in a very, very long time.

So why make this post? Let me be clear about one thing: I am NOT looking for sympathy. I did this to myself, so it would be pretty foolish to expect anyone to feel sorry for my stupid decisions. If you want to pray for me, or send me good vibes, by all means do so. I’ll take all of both I can get. But don’t feel bad for me. I made my mistakes, caught them, and am trying to correct them. That’s just life.

No, I’m making this post so maybe it can serve as a warning or a help for others. I am living proof that you shouldn’t muck around with your health. If something’s wrong, get checked out. If your job is killing you, find something else. Life is too freaking short to subject yourself to a slow suicide.  There will never be a point where you are completely worry-free, so don’t even try for that. Just try to make those worries as small or compacted as you can. Find something to make you smile and hold onto it for all you’re worth. Simply put: don’t just exist in life, actually LIVE it!

Okay, I’ll step down off the soapbox now and wrap this up. I think, ultimately, I made this post because I needed to point some things out to myself, to take stock in a public way so there’s no chance of me lying to myself down the line. I did it to clear the air and dispel some rumors that flared up at the old day job after I left. And I did it because, well, I’m damned proud of the changes I’ve made in the last couple of weeks. I wish I hadn’t been forced into making them, that I’d simply come to them naturally, but things happen as they’re supposed to. All I can do now is capitalize on that.

Thanks for sticking around through this, and I’ll talk to you all again soon!

Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow: 2016 in Review

When I first sat down to write this, I had something completely different in mind for it. It was going to be a long, drawn out thing that really had no bearing on anything, and was ultimately a rehash of things I’ve already said several times before on this blog. So I changed my mind, and decided to do something a little different.

  

If you want to see what all I was up to this year, just read back over this blog, or check out my posts on Facebook or my tweets on Twitter. The story’s there, if you care to look. Instead of repeating all of that, I’m going to go in a little more personal direction with this year-end wrap up.

See, for most of us, 2016 was a harsh year, a year in which icon after icon fell before our eyes. If only we’d known when Lemmy left us last year, it was Death cracking its knuckles as a warm-up for the events to come. However you voted in November, we now find ourselves in a place we can’t predict, and that’s a little terrifying, too.

But for all the bad, 2016 had some great moments, too.

See, my goal for the year was to publish a book, with the expectation that I didn’t care if anyone bought it. I met that goal, and wildly exceeded my expectations.

Over the last year, I’ve discovered some incredible authors in the horror genre, both new and old. I’ve read more good books than I can count, and find myself eagerly anticipating more from those folks. And the icing on the cake? I’ve come to know many of them through social media, and feel as though I’ve been welcomed to the cool kids’ table at school. I’ve gotten the chance to meet and talk with some of my influences, and have found them to be more welcoming, open, and kind than I’d ever imagined.

I’ve met some incredible people behind the scenes as well, from Tristan Thorne who was one of the first to help guide me along the path while I was getting CONSEQUENCES out, to publicist, editor, and friend extraordinaire Erin Al-Mehairi, who has taught me more about this business than I ever thought I’d want to know. I’ve gotten the opportunity to banter back and forth with the awesomely kooky and cool (whether she believes it or not) Somer Canon, and have laughed out loud trading insanity with Toneye Eyenot, whose propensity for swapping “I” with “eye” might put some people off, but only served to endear him to me even more. I discovered that Glenn Rolfe has just as much of an admiration for some of the obscure eighties hair metal bands I grew up with as I do. I even got to smile and chuckle a bit as Chuck Buda proclaimed how badly I was kicking everyone’s ass in NaNoWriMo, despite the fact he was right there with me on those word count updates.

I’ve had the opportunity to meet and talk to so many people, from all around the world, people I never would have met had I not decided to walk this insane road called publishing, and I have to say my life is better for it. I’ve shed my share of tears over the course of 2016, just like we all have, but when I look back at it now, I see the joy shining through the clouds.

For me, 2016 was the year I found my calling, for good or for ill. I am going to remember it fondly as I look ahead to what 2017 and beyond will bring.

To everyone who’s reading this, or picked up one of my books, or even just encouraged me to keep going, you have my most heartfelt thanks. To all of you, and everyone else, I hope you have a very happy new year; and as it progresses, may all your dreams come true.

PS: To all those folks who have told me what a machine I am when it comes to writing, I was going to try and prove you wrong by posting my total word count for the year. Once I looked at it, and then looked at it again, then walked away and ran the numbers a third time I decided to simply agree with you instead and leave it at that....